In practice, trauma bonding looks like a compulsive cycle of wanting to please your partner to avoid setting them off, followed by an incident of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, and then a honeymoon period where all seems well. The person you want to console you the most is the one hurting you. The attachment pattern alternates between devaluation and intimacy. The situation can vary, but fundamentally, it's about dependency and having someone abusive fulfill your emotional and spiritual needs. Trauma bonding frequently shows up in romantic relationships but also extends to dynamics with power imbalances including, but not limited to, abusive parent-child relationships, sex trafficking, military training, fraternity hazing, kidnapping, cults, and hostage situations. One minute things are good, and then the next, they're not," psychotherapist Jourdan Travers, LCSW, tells mbg. It's when we have fond feelings or miss individuals who have abused us because we've developed a connection to them. "Trauma bonds are the attachments we have with our abusers.
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